


I'm always fine

by Skylocked



Series: 00QAD Tumblr drabbles [5]
Category: 00QAD, James Bond - All Media Types, London Spy
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Dissociation, Hurt, Other, implied suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-31
Updated: 2016-01-31
Packaged: 2018-05-17 08:13:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5861047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skylocked/pseuds/Skylocked
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He is fine. He always is, at least until the moment he isn't - Danny deals with an episode of anxiety induced panic</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm always fine

_Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock…._

Danny counted the seconds ticking by on the clock hanging from the wall. He had no idea what time it was, hadn’t bothered to check. He just knew it must be sometime in the early hours of the day because all around him was dark; the only sound keeping him company was the rhythmic ticking of the clock.

He tossed around in bed trying to get comfortable again, closing his eyes, breathing in and out to see if he could relax himself enough to go back to sleep. He felt uneasy, a sort of dread clinging to his back.

_…you’ll never be good enough for them, they don’t need you, no one does…_

He took a deep breath in, fighting to keep the tears back.

_It’s not true. They love me and I love them, it’s not true._

Danny whispered to himself hugging his knees. This wasn’t good.

_…you’ll never be good for them. They’re better off without you. They don’t even remember you exist…._

He felt a sob rise to his chest making him shudder. He rubbed angrily at his stinging eyes. His old fears seemed keen on making him suffocate.

_…it’s not… I’m not, they love me…_

The gnawing doubt still eat away at his resolve; he wasn’t so sure he believed his own words.

Yes they called him, yes they included him in their lives, and Alex was still with him, but he was also with them…

James, the impossibly attractive and charming spy, and Q the brilliant mind and radiant Quartermaster. They knew him better than Danny ever would. They were in his world, where Danny never could be. They understood him and where there for him in a way Danny would never be able to.

_…he doesn’t need you anymore, he never really did…_

And Alex fit with them so easily, he’d grown close to them as if it was the most natural thing in the world…

He’d opened up to Q so quickly and so… completely. Q was the one who usually made him laugh. Q was the one he talked to the most. Q was the one he went to when the numbers and theories and equations in his mind became too much. Q was good for him….

And James….

James knew how to put him back together after a rough day at work. James knew how to take him apart when he needed to let go. James could always pull him back when he got too deep into his own head. James always had his back. James was good for him.

And Danny?

Danny didn’t fit into his life, not anymore… he had never really fit in. Danny was a piece of a different puzzle. Danny had hardly known him, had never truly known him. There were too many things about Alex that Danny didn’t know, couldn’t know, and probably would never know. Alex just wasn’t…. Alex wasn’t…

Danny shook his head. He couldn’t bear the thought, and yet he knew…

_I was his first, but how does that even matter? I can’t give him what he needs. I’m not as smart, I’m not as strong… I’m nothing compared to them…_

_It’s only a matter of time, isn’t it?_

Danny sobbed clutching the sheets. He felt so alone and so insignificant.

Him and Alex were in completely different worlds and the gap between them would only get wider and wider. It was just a matter of time.

Already he hardly got to see him. Alex was always working, always engaged in something new… and he was always with them. They worked together, they practically lived together… they shared everything, him included.

Danny wasn’t a part of it, not really… Danny was just the after thought…

His chest felt constricted and all sorts of heavy. He could feel the despair pulling him in, enveloping him, embracing him. His mind taking darker turns with every second that passed.

He wanted to disappear like the fog after the sun has risen. He wanted to vanish like the footprints on the shore of the Thames when the tide swept it. He wanted to fade, like the smoke from his cigarettes dissipating into thin air. He didn’t want to feel anymore.

What good was it to be the fourth corner, when he was the corner that never got the light, the corner everyone forgot about?

He didn’t want to be the fourth corner…

Alex had once said that soulmates didn’t exist, perhaps he was right… perhaps Danny was still the only one holding on to the belief that their relationship had been something special. Alex didn’t seem to think so anymore, he’d found someone else. He’d found two other people he was good with. They were good with each other.

Danny felt so lost and so hurt and he could blame no one for it. He didn’t hate Q, or James. He couldn’t, they had always been good to him and they made Alex happy. He couldn’t hate them.

He was too grateful to them. They had brought Alex back to him when Danny had thought him dead. They had fought with him and stood by him when the world had conspired against him. They’d comforted him and offered him their affection.

Danny didn’t blame them for also taking Alex away…

If anything, he blamed himself. He blamed that he wasn’t part of Alex’s world of secrets and spies. He blamed that his mind wasn’t as sharp to be able to understand the conversations between Q and Alex. He blamed that he wasn’t strong, or wise in the ways James was. He blamed himself because he was just Danny. Simple, naive Danny.

Danny who believed in soulmates and love at first sight. Danny who was friends with everyone and yet knew nobody. Danny who had no job, no real education, no family, and a past no one would want to know. Danny who had nothing of substance to offer.

Danny, who despite his best efforts, always ended alone…

The air in the room seemed to grow thicker, heavier. He couldn’t breathe.

Danny gasped for air, clawed at his throat. His heart was beating wildly in his chest, his lungs screaming for air. He was suffocating. He was drowning. He couldn’t _breathe!!_

_Please. Someone please help me. I can’t breathe. Oh god, it hurts… it hurts. It hurts. It hurts. I can’t breathe…_

His vision went black and he was falling endlessly. He couldn’t feel anything but the vertigo. He couldn’t hear anything but the drumming of his heart and the incessant buzzing in his ears. Something pulled at him, suddenly he wasn’t falling anymore.

There was a voice, faint and far like an echo.

He gasped for air, opened his eyes. His body felt cold and his chest hurt. He tried to focus on something, anything, but the room was spinning. He closed his eyes, remembered to breathe again, he choked and convulsed and the voice was back.

_“Danny!!! Danny breathe!!! Danny please, just breathe… please, oh god. Danny, no…”_

Alex was shaking him, holding him, looking at him with fear in his beautiful eyes. Danny felt himself frown.

Why did Alex look so scared? He shouldn’t… Why were there tears in his eyes? That face should never look so pained…

Danny closed his eyes again, he must be dreaming.

He felt heavy, and tired and just so cold… why was it so cold? Did he forget to close his window?

He was moving, someone was carrying him. He couldn’t open his eyes. He was just so very tired.

_“Danny, please hold on. Don’t fall asleep. Danny talk to me, please. Say something, anything.”_

_“I’m sleepy”_ Danny felt more than heard himself say. It hurt to speak. He didn’t want to try anymore. He didn’t want to hurt.

_Just let me sleep. I’m tired…_

His thoughts were getting fuzzy, the buzzing in his ears had stopped, the clock on the wall was ticking again.

_Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock…_

He felt strange, his body felt wrong, but he didn’t have the strength to think about it. He just wanted to slip away, everything else could wait.

_Danny, don’t go. Please don’t go. I need you, please…“_

Someone was calling his name. Someone was holding him tight. Danny wondered who it could be. He didn’t have anyone. He was alone. He must be dreaming.

The voices in his head kept calling to him, whispering pitiful pleas to his ears.

_It’s ok. I’m ok. I’m fine, it’s ok…._

The noises faded into silence and everything stilled. He could sleep now. He could find peace. He would stop hurting now.

Danny breathed slowly, surrendered himself to sleep. He was ok, he always was.

He smiled to himself.

_Come morning light, everything would be alright…_


End file.
